Whilst editing Kira's episode my husband got diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression. This diagnosis comes after you have not responded to 2 trials of antidepressents and probably did not respond to ECT and yes they still do that. Unfortunately for Richard, all it did was mess with his memory. So you can not really have any conversations about things you have done in the past.

And, it is so complex for Richard to get this diagnosis as he has tried everything to get better and he is exhausted from feeling so terrible all the time. It is also hard to know how to help when you know everything has been tried. So he is back in hospital for the second time this year.

I think it is all so overwhelming to be told your brain is not responding to treatments and it can make mental illnesses worse and those negative voices start controlling your life. So, our house has been quite a difficult place to navigate and I can not explain what it is like to see someone you love hurt themselves and want to hurt themselves even more.

I realised when editing Kira's episode that I have a complex past and my memories can be triggering for me and I can't imagine for anyone I just tell them to. I might say something off hand that is actually quite more than an offhand remark. I realised this when I had to edit a part of the episode out where I was so honest I couldn't listen to myself, so I took the headphones off and just tried to listen to when I could hear myself stop talking and deleted that part.

So, this post is going to talk suicide. Here is a sucide warning and there will be numbers at the end of this post if you or anyone you love have plans.

If you think you have a suicidal family member or friend there are two questions.

You have to be brave and ask them.

1. Are you thinking about suicide and

2. Do you have a plan.

If they answer yes to both, take them to the closest emergency department or call their private health care team.

Do not wait.

I aren't sure what the best thing to do is in all countries but that is what you can do in Australia.

Hospitals have teams of people who specialise in care. Us regular people, don't have the skills or capacity to keep someone from hurting themselves (without a team of people behind you that do have those skills and you are healthy enough to wear it). Also, the worry that a person you love might not come back from a walk or come back at all when they leave the house becomes quite a burden and if you are caring for someone with a servere mental health issue you need to make sure you have people to talk to.

Because I am like Kira, I don't like people to feel sorry for me. Like, I told her my joke I had with my old pyschologist about my first failed suicide attempt at 12 or 13. Like, I can find having a joke about failing funny, but, I don't think it is really something to joke about with someone you just met. Because wanting to die at that age is quite a depressing thought. So, I have started doing Music Therapy and I have really found that helpful, so I try and not joke so much about things that are hurtful and serious. That is ok to feel things too. That it is ok to have people help you navigate difficult situations too, that is good to tell people sad things sometimes when it is getting too much.

So, if you get lost in your own thoughts like me, for whatever reason or because you have had to be hypervigilant for most of your childhood to stop being hurt, make sure you say some of those thoughts to someone you trust and has time and space for you.

And if you don't have anyone like that then get a great doctor or a pyschologist. Because no one is just their thoughts and no one should try and carry burdens by themselves.

In part 2 of Kira's episode I have a little glitch in the recording and you can still hear a few and I spent 40 hours trying to make it work before starting again after trying to find a plugin that would help me. I think I probably spent another 40 hours trying to put it back together. I also spent hours on bits that I ended up just deleting so I am going to make sure my recordings are made a little more stably.

But I am quite proud of the episode, I also talked way more than I have ever had about myself in an episode and I have not the self confidence to put myself out there like that, so it is like I am giving myself exposure therapy.

Kira's story is so amazing and it is what I love about this podcast is sharing these amazing people with you, and it is what drives me to make the episodes something to be proud of.

Going to see if I get Idge Hehir's Episode 6 out sometime later in this week. Thankfully for me, it is just a single episode but I am so happy to tell you there is no glitches in the audio so far.

Take care and please make sure you get support if you need it. Like I am back in therapy after thinking 30 years would have been enough. XXXXX

Support for mental health Australia

https://www.lifeline.org.au/ Lifeline Australia

https://suicideline.org.au/ Sucicide Line Victoria

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ 24/7 Help for mental health issues

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-crisis-support Mental Health Crisis Support

Call 000 if you think someone is at risk on harm right now. Don't be afaid.

Support for mental health England

Call 111 if you think someone is at risk on harm right now. Don't be afaid.

www.nhs.uk

You may need urgent help for mental health for many different reasons. Some people call it a crisis, an emergency or a breakdown. It's important to know that support is available, whatever you're going through.

Support for mental health USA

Call 999 if you think someone is at risk on harm right now. Don't be afaid.

Call or text 988 - Suicide & crisis lifeline - confidential, free, 24/7/365 help